I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
