After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
