Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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