Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
