someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
