Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
