I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
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