i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
