dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
