Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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