when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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