shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
