Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize