my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
