Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
