Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
