i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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