I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
