Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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