can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
