i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
