WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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