someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
