Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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