oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize