Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
