Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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