Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
