dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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