so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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