Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
