there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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