I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I am puke
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
