Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I got inside last night via doggy door
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize