John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
