Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
