Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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