we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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