So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
