You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
