She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
a search helicopter?!
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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