hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
