Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
