I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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