I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
