i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
