Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
