So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
