you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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