i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Less talking, more tequila
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
