Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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