The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
