Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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