3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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