Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
