hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
