Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
