hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
