I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
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