I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
